Who Am I and What Am I Doing!

This past week I have had trouble of discovering who I am and what I really want to pursue. "Deep six! Everyone on the line!" I remember the days I would be like yeah deep six no problem! Now and days when they say deep six I just dig myself out of a whole, drag my body on the baseline, and push myself knowing deep down inside I don't really want to live my life like this anymore for numerous reason.
I came to seeing that basketball isn't the only thing out there in life. It also takes a lot of studying time out of your hands and if your like me where you have to reread and reread in order to understand something it takes you more than an hour a day to get it. I have came to facing a dilemma a dilemma that might consist regret in the future, sadness when the time comes, and or anything possible it might of been the best decision ever made in my life.
" I don't know you as someone who just quits in the middle of something you just were never that type of person." My little cousin writes to me in a text message. These past couple of days I have been okay. But, once again the fear of thought of letting go comes rushing through my head. I came to peace that there will never be another team that will replace the memories I have created in Holbrook simply because we were all so close. But, college now thats a different story. I no longer push myself to be the best I can be. I no longer run as fast as I use to. I no longer motivate myself unless I know for a fact that I'm going home that weekend and push myself in practice so I can leave to go home.
It has been bothering me for quite some time now. Simply, because I'm afraid that I do give up what people will think of me. What I will feel at the end of everything. But, yet basketball is taking over things I could be doing. Tutoring others at The Rock which is down the street, it's taking the time of calling my family because I'm to tired because I still have homework, it's taking away my study time, it's taking away my self discovery, it's taking away the opportunity of getting extra credit in exams I may fail.
     My mind spins in circles, but, whatever God has planned for me I know he'll show me at the end of this week because he will bring me to peace with the main decision and will direct me in the right path. I truly miss back home and hope they know that but I guess this is my time now and what makes me happy. I can either stick it out for a year and watch my future disappear because of grades or I can stop and focus on the main goals decisions will never leave they'll just keep approaching every time it can. So do what makes you happy because at the end it is your life and nothing should be keeping you away from smiling not even decisions about who you once were.

"Philippians4:13"

            Life… I really don’t know where I can begin talking about life. That is because life is just full of surprises, door openers, life changing experiences, obstacles, and the list goes on and on. I’m barley 18 I don’t have much room to talk about many “experiences.” Yet, I am allowed to talk about what the most important lesson I have learned to be true about life thus far.

            This past month, I stopped attending church and Lifeteen every Sunday. Doing so I felt as if I’m bad “Christian” for not attending weekly or daily. Yet, throughout time I came to realize that my night walks up to the football field is where my best connection is with the man above and that although I may not always attend church doesn’t mean I don’t have faith it simply means that I know he will always be there until the end.

            My life lesson I learned throughout my existence thus far. Is that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  - Philippians 4:13

            Throughout my life there has been some struggles. Struggles I made hard because at the meantime I didn’t believe in a religion. My mom made me go to church when I was younger but I actually didn’t have any faith. I gone through a divorce that I made difficult. I have gone through seeing my 20-year-old cousin making mistakes of having kids young. I seen my cousins get deported. I have seen my niece fight for her life. I have lost close friends I wish I never did. Lastly, breaking up with something you love after having unforgettable memories and dreams come true.

            When someone asks me in high school “what defines you?” That was an easy reply, “I am a student athlete or a basketball player.” Now, that the season is over I no longer know what “defines me.”

            A reason why my breakup with this sport is so hard to get over is because it is where my relationship with God grew in. December was one of the hardest parts of my life in a season. I got sick… I went to the emergency room one night with Kylie by my side. Yet, this was the turning point of an unforgettable dream coming true.

            When people see shooting stars at night. They take the timeout and make a wish of something they want or dream. Well, shooting stars mean something different to me. When I see a shooting star it represents that the man above is watching over me. That he will be there by my side until the end. Coming back from the hospital my mom spotted three shooting stars. I now came to understand it represented three schools. Estrella, Alchesay, and Tuba City. The three schools we had to defeat in order to make it to the final four.

            The week before Estrella I suffered an injury… My achilles was overused the week before State. I could barley even walk, we YouTube healing videos to see if they would work in time. I was rolling my achilles tendon over a pizza roller for a whole week. Every step I took a shot of pain ran through! It wasn’t until the day before 1^st round state. I got a text message saying. “ I hope you know how bad I feel for you, but I have to say that your chances of playing tomorrow is really slim and won’t be playing much.” Usually, in situations like these I would shut down and feel sorry for myself. Instead I replied “you worry about the team, I’ll find a way to get back by tomorrow.” That night I went to the football field to cry my heart out. Simply, because if we lost that would have been my last high school game. Then I saw a shooting star the brightest one I had ever seen! From that moment I knew I was going to be okay. That game I had 9 points and 6 steals. I was able to contribute to my team. After the game I suffered the consequences. But, at least I can say I was able to make history with my sisters.

            This is what my life lesson is so far. That no matter how bad you want to give up you can still get through it if you just believe, have faith, and know that you can do all things through Christ.

Because at the end maybe reaching the point of giving up is what we really need in order to reach out and find the faith. Eventually, I’ll find something else that defines me because I don’t have to do it on my own.

"All You Need Is One..."

       "There are 6,470,818,671 people in the world, six billion souls and sometimes all you need is one."-Peyton Sawyer

                  A couple weeks ago, I explained how I received a text message showing "how do the boys get so dang lucky." Well, I truly told the truth of what I had believed for the longest time. But, I never said who I had received that message from. I have many people in my life that have impacted my life and made my high school years the most memorable years of my life. Yet, there still happens to be the one that continues to guide me through the right path. This man happened to be my P.E. teacher, coach, and neighbor. Mr. Greg (Leslie) Perkins. 

                   When I was 8,a year of my parents divorce had already taken place. I took my dog out for a walk. Of course, my dog was a tiny mutt and tried to act tough around the pure breed big dogs. It was one morning I took smokey out for a walk. I past, the hospital looking house where dogs came running after my little dog and I. Then this mysterious looking man came to retrieve his own dogs so they wouldn't eat my dog.  This is the first time we had ever crossed paths without ever realizing it. 

                    Eighth grade came around and I found my love for basketball. But, as always an ending of a chapter ends. Eighth grade basketball ended which meant time for the "big league."I went to the high school girls open gym towards the end of eighth grade year. Won't lie they were twice the size of me which made me afraid of them. I arrived and yet the coach greeted me nicely and he let me shoot around. I remember him talking to the soon to be seniors that I was "Victor Paz" little sister. From that moment on the never ending memories and bond began to form. 

                   Till this day I really don't care what anyone thinks. As in being a "teachers pet","suck up", or even a "snitch." In reality I just know who to keep in my life that will be there until the end by guiding, listening, and helping me become a better person. Which is what he has done over the course of time. 

                  When the world suddenly became dark. He was always there to guide me back to the light  . Where I learned the sun was going to rise again in the morning. I remember the first time he really knew how I was. My sophomore year, I had my premature niece living with us and things were pretty rough. He picked me up for school one Winter morning when it was cold. When my mother had to stay in the hospital with my niece and cousin. When I had gotten in the biggest fight with my parents they were talking to me about getting "help" for my behavior at home. Yet, they didn't really know me for they never had taken the chance. I wouldn't have the bond with my mother today if I hadn't found him in the team room one afternoon and taught me how to really forgive people.  I had fallen out of love for basketball I had the word "quitting" in my mind. Well, that also changed with some advice. 

              I wouldn't have been the type of basketball player in the long run if it wasn't him and his negative comments he doesn't remember. But yet, it's not just the advice and motivation I will miss throughout time. It's also the memories that I will only have to look back to in a long run. Words can't really explain my gratitude and how truly blessed I am for this second fatherly figure. Having to put up with me for four years takes a lot of hair out of you and will eventually make you go bald. But, it's that fact that he became the one soul out of 6 billion people well at least until this point. 

"Don't You Worry Child"

   

 Marcos, although we don't talk much I have to say I'm Very Proud of You! You have came so far and your still continuing moving forward!

                   

             As we all know by now life consists obstacles. Some individuals happen to have more obstacles than others. We don't exactly know why this exactly happens because some get it really rough by just what happens in their life. For example, some people have gone through loosing their loved ones, going homeless, and sometimes even being addicted to drugs or alcohol. 

             In my cousin Marcos case, it happened to be a "divorce" and "remarriage" that became a  tragic for him. I don't know how many of you actually remember my cousin, he also attended Holbrook High School like us I believe he graduated in 2007 a year before my brother. Of course after any school year, summer kicks in and the unforgettable fun occurs.  Well, for my cousins "fun" he decided to go to a party out in Sun Valley for the night. He didn't like being home because of the decision his parents have made. He was out partying every chance he could during the summer time. Until, one night he didn't come back with a DD and decided to drive himself back home.

          The worst choice you can make while under the influence of alcohol is drive yourself back on the highway. This night he decided to make a poor choice turned to be something permanent. He ran off road and landed in a ditch. The cops were called, they arrived at scene, and put my cousin in the back of the car for underage drinking. He was in jail until he had a court day. The night my aunt had finally heard from him turned out to be one of the most hardest moments of my aunts life. My cousin was to leave Holbrook, Arizona at nine in the morning, he was getting deported back to Mexico. He didn't even get to tell his mom or any rest of the little family we do have here in town goodbye. 

          He called back home little so often. I believe he was more angry towards life than anything else. He didn't know how to accept any of the things that was happening to him at the time. My aunts in Mexico picked him up at the bus station in Mexico. They dropped him off at his fathers house, who moved down months before the incident so I maybe it was meant to be. Over the time he kept himself away from my aunt and mothers family side. He never visited them. Hardest part for my aunt was never hear her sons voice or see him simply because of the other choice he had made. He decided to part himself from my his moms family side believing that it was all their fault that everything had happened. The divorce, the DUI, and the alcohol problem he had started. 

           One year later, he decided to talk to the Nevarez side of the family again. It wasn't very often but when we did hear from him it would make our day even better! My aunt never had the chance to say bye to him, to hug him, to even explain anything that had happen throughout everything. But, as time progressed he started to get back on track. He wanted to go back to school, he had gotten a job, and the thing that changed his life the most was rodeoing. He went from never talking to his family in Mexico to seeing them every weekend now at his rodeo events. This summer was the first time I have seen him over five years... I couldn't believe it when I hugged him how much he has changed although he still has a problem with alcohol still he had a different meaning of life to live by now. He doesn't have much regret anymore. The best part about everything is that in about 8 days my aunt and little cousin will be traveling to Mexico and for once in six years my aunt will finally get to hug her son again and let everything they may have inside them go. 

             No matter how bad the obstacle may be I believe if we really tried and took the time we could make it change us for the good instead of going towards the bad. Although every individual has a different mind set I say they should take the word of advice from the song on my video "don't you worry child, heaven got a plan for you." - Swedish House Mafia. I think that it's true we all have a plan for us. Even if it takes a bad divorce and partying situations to help us get to our potential plan! 

"Goodbye Gravity, Welcome Change"

  “Goodbye Gravity, Welcome Change”

         As I was sitting at church, listening to the reader, I couldn’t help but catch a sentence that has been stuck in my head. “The old things past now; behold, the new things have came.” This has been repeating over and over again in my mind. As usual God always finds a way to speak to me, if it’s through shooting stars to the words from the gospel, whatever, it may be it is usually at the right time to get through something.

       Must be pathetic, but, I am still a little bruised from the season that has been over for about three weeks. I believe it was probably for putting to much time into the program. I basically wrote out their scavenger hunt list for this summer and will most likely buy them a thing of detergent for laundry. The old contained investing all my free time and time to “basketball” not just practicing everyday, but taking care of the girls. Every year after the season would come to a halt, I found myself a week later working out again with the Vertimax and a game in the gym for open gym. Every summer I would wake up an hour earlier than the girls help set up the gym for summer league, plus stay an extra thirty minutes afterwards to help clean up.  This was my “old things” in my life that I noticed has past now

It’s not just basketball that has changed overtime. It used to be that my friends were number one on my list on my spare time out of the gym. I put my family aside for three years in high school. Come home eat silently, go to my room, lock the door, and go to sleep. This was my everyday life at home. I made my friends my family and never noticed. It hurt my mom and brother everyday. Sadly, it had drifted me from my father, which in if it is anyone’s fault it is defiantly mine Family and friends play a big part in my heart just as much as a team and sport.

       It took a scripture to open my eyes up just a little bit more to what life really consist of. Now, the new things that happened to appear in my life is more noticeable. Now, that basketball is over I can now look for a job again, coach little kids, do my homework earlier, not worry about the girls as much (although I still do), wash my car, take the dog for a walk, go to baseball games, go golfing, and the list can go on. This summer doesn’t have to consist staying in a gym for 12 hours anymore. Instead, I can go to Flagstaff, watch a movie, get ready to move, go fishing, hang out with my brother, and number one on my list go visit my family in Mexico for more than a couple days! My friends well this is what is one new thing that took time to process. I have lost more friends along the way this year than any other year. It was hard to accept at the time. It is not that we aren’t friends, because in reality they are still friends in my heart and memories, I personally just stopped hanging out with them 24/7 and made my family on weekends now.

       I can go on and on about how much my life has changed overtime. But, I believe that most of us seniors can agree that everyone’s life changes without us really noticing. Until we take the time and actually think of the old things that has past on. I know for a fact I didn’t notice the “new things” that has slowly appeared in my life. Like the new friends I have met around our area and how funny my mom can actually be. In a few months we will be graduating which is defiantly going to be one of the biggest changes for all of us. Whatever the road it may lead us to we just need to remember not to be afraid of the change and not be afraid to let go to what our life once contained of even if we will miss it we will always have the wonderful memories to take with

"Memories Last Forever, Experiences Happen ONCE."

58 Teams...

Numerous amount of games played in a season...

Numerous amount of hours put in during pre-season...

4 Teams come out with a new record of 0-0...

2 Teams are left standing...

1 Team comes out with what was on their mind since the first day of practice.

            Last year, around this time of year the boys were playing in the Final Four. As I sat their a text message came through to my phone. The boys were heading into their second overtime. The message, "how do the boys get so dang lucky." I sat their hesitating what to even reply. I didn't have an answer. Until, I final sent the truth "I don't know. But, I swear that is going to be us next year."
      For the past two nights and two days, I have been curled up in a little ball crying my heart out. I have cried with my sisters before we took our different routes after our game. I have cried with my mother hugging me through it all. It's not that I'm crying because we did not return with the gold ball. Although, that would of been a more happier ending to this incredible journey. It's the fact that I will no longer be hearing the laughs I'm used to, I will no longer be seeing the smiling faces, I will no longer have the same pranks, most of all I will no longer have my family by my side every summer and the five months of the school year.
      My emotions are up in a roller coaster. I know I'll be back on track simply because I know that life goes on. But, it's just so hard when I know for a fact that my house won't be a hotel anymore. That girls won't be staying the night. I loved and still do love this team with all my heart. They were the ones that got me through some rough patches in my life. Like Samantha said in hers. We used basketball as our get away. Basketball, has gotten me to a point where I forgave my parents ten years ago. Basketball, has taught me that when rough times come you got to keep pushing through because at the end of the day the sun will rise. Most of all, basketball was the one that took the word "hope" out of my vocabulary and brought endless "faith" in my world.
       Enough about that. I told the younger girls in the locker room Friday night that I could not find the right words to tell them. I told them if they want to know what was on my mind to read my blog where everything will be said as best as I can. Here goes nothing.
       THANK YOU! You made one of my dreams come true. Not only mine,but, also the six other seniors that spent numerous amount with your craziness. In the beginning of the season I felt so lost. You guys didn't know how bad I was. I always smiled every year during the season. But, in the beginning a smile wouldn't creep up on in my face. Simply, because I missed the other seniors and didn't want to be the leader. I didn't want you guys looking up to me. Because, I know I make mistakes as much as you guys. After time progressed everything started getting better. Attitudes were changing incredibly. Difference between you youngsters were going away. Most of all the laughter, smiles, and joyfulness was entering my heart again. You guys have came so far just as sophomores and I see a lot more talent in each and everyone of you than what we had. Thats what we Seniors had, we had work ethic to drive. Our work ethic and your help got us to where we ended a great season. Now, next year I want you to continue being close sisters, I want you to take the challenge to keep working hard, not complain when we have to run, to smile, to pick on Perkins keep him young, keep your head up when getting yelled at, and most of all have fun with one another time does fly. P.S. now it is time to find someone else who will wash your jersey's and clothes I'm going  miss being your teammate, sister, and most importantly your basketball mom.

  I know these individuals will strive even farther and believe even more. Next year, I'll be joining my other sisters from the past watching our little siblings going after the same thing we have all wished for. It's hard to explain. But, that is because my heart is bruised at this moment and it feels as if my videos can explain everything. It explains how close we actually are, how much work we put in, and how much time we spent together. Four years of Holbrook High School is now over. I will miss every single one of those wonderful individuals and most of all I will miss the fatherly figure we have on the team. Mr. Greg Perkins. Who is my "it is what it is" neighbor. I will truly miss this man as well as the rest of the team. Like Sam said he has sacrifice so much for us. He deserved to go to Glendale with us and most likely he will end up bringing something marvelous to Holbrook High some day. No words can describe how much he actually means to us. I guess before I write a whole novel I'll leave it to this. Kia Kaha. Keep everything going and I'm glad I didn't get a gold ball because the memories and experience are more rewarding to me than anything!

"Faith Vs. Hope"

            Hope “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.” Faith ”complete trust or confidence in someone or something.”

            Although, the definitions came from Google they both live up to what I know true about them more than ever now.

            It first started when my cousin was pregnant at sixteen years old. None of my family here were surprised. Simply, because we knew how bad her emotional state was with her parent’s divorce, brother’s deportation, mother’s marriage, and father’s abandonment. I always thought I had a hard life just from a parents divorce. That was until I saw my only aunt that lives here having way more trouble with her kids.

            Well, what was done was done. A month later we found out my cousin was going to have girl twins. Of course, we had to support her through it all. The due date was set around basketball season. It was only my freshman year I was still trying to get used to the whole “High School” deal. September came along and my cousin had her doctor’s appointment. Not to offend anyone she decided to go to Winslow for her checkup. Out of all the places she picked Winslow, Arizona. They told her everything was fine and that she was still due in December around my brother’s birthday. September came along and my cousin started to get pain. They took her to Flagstaff. Here we got the news that one of the twins has past away and that the other will do the same if they do not get her out. A couple hours later my premature niece came into this world.

            Anahi Mungarro. That was her name. Sad part was my cousin could not hold her like others do when they first give birth. They put her through test and other things. At the end they had to fly her to the Children’s hospital where she spent the first three months of her life. Luckily, my cousin’s boyfriend lived down in the valley so she had support there. After three months in November they finally released Anahi to her mother to take her home. After months of fighting for her life she was able to enjoy the warm air. Until, what do you know her parents got in a fight around December and my brother and I had to drive to valley to bring home my cousin and niece.

            It was basketball season and they ended up taking up my whole room. I was mad in the beginning. Until, I realized the amazing gift god has given me to help me become stronger as an individual at the end. I saw my sixteen-year-old cousin struggling. I would help her with my niece feed her, change her, put her to sleep.  Although, for two years I kept hearing the same thing from doctors she’s not going to make it. I heard that three times.

            The last time was my sophomore year basketball. My brother came to practice wanted to take me to Flagstaff. I asked “why?” His reply, “they flew in Anahi to Flagstaff they said she is in horrible condition they don’t believe she will make it.” I looked at my brother and Perkins and told them “ I’m not going.” I got home that night and I knew deep down in my heart she was not going to die, I knew for a fact she was stronger, and that I didn’t need to leave practice because I knew it was some what of a lie.

            Here I am. Waiting for a couple day’s to past by to finally play in Glendale Arena. The story that had to do with my niece was to explain exactly how I learned how to have faith in things while others just hope. The story can go on and on about the wonderful gift that awaits for me in Phoenix. I grabbed faith from hearing the words “she’s not going to make it.” I can’t really explain what I really want to point out. But, one thing never let hope take the best of you. Always have faith because who knows you could still be seeing your niece growing up and or you could be playing in the dream place four other teams want to be at. Keep believeing!